I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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