hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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