i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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