I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
