Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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