If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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