there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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