best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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