I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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