I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
