upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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