Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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