What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
