i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dick very happy bro
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
