I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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