u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
