Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
