My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
