Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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