I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
