Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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