I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
