Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
