I just saw a hot homeless man
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
