Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
