I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Vodka?
Forever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
