This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
