I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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