found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize