i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
