I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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