By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
