Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
