I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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