Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
