I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
