I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
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Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
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I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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