I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
