Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
