just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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