Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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