I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
