Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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