i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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