shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she told me i tasted like america
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
