I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
