I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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