i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
