I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
