Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
