just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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