I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
