you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
