nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
