I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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