Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
