if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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