My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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