Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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