You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
